Since the days of Luvvies for Labour when dear old Michael Foot sought solace in tap dance after another shocking defeat, I have been a political animal. My engagement declined somewhat when I was excluded from the Band Aid lineup in 1978 despite having just released by impassioned LP against social segregation, 'Blacks? Irish? Dogs? Yes Please!' The one hit wonder, Geldof, was the prime motivator behind my banishment, penning his one hit, 'I Don't Like Mondays', after I let the DSS know that he was apparently a pop star whilst still claiming to be an unemployed circus act.
The next foe I experienced was the lead singer of Simple Minds, Bono. He thought it delightfully funny to note the selection of lesser pop acts over myself in the famous line, 'Tonight thank God it's them instead of you.' He has since denied this slight, claiming, with some affront, that his intention was to mock starving Ethiopians.
Despite not being of the mainstream, I though it best to play some part in famine relief. I secured a film crew from the fledgling Channel 4. Young and vibrant, they believed Ethiopia to be the new Groucho Club so engaged fully with my project. We traveled across land and sea to film to the outskirts of Carlisle where I spent several hours requesting a local drama school to let us film their students in loin clothes sitting around in the park looking hungry. I had little intention to travel to Africa, as I have a fear of needles since I kicked the smack in 1958, so was unable to partake of the necessary vaccinations.
We filmed a wonderful piece where, in a break from convention, I was portrayed as a missionary figure who, instead of teaching them how to fish, taught them the key principles of modern mime. The piece we used was one of my own, specially written with a view to selling the ensemble cast production to Comic Relief. With the silence of the starving, I was shown becoming a messiah and solving all the problems of the world through mime.
Sadly, the BBC, obviously under the spell of the one hit wonder Geldof, refused to attend any of the meetings I mustered. I suspect the influence of MI5.
I pause now to rest. I will lay across a branch like a cougar in the Savannah. When rested, I shall return dear reader, and provide my news - My political beast is erect!