The news - Some people want to publish a short story of mine! Well nice. Send me money.
Another chap, who is a proper publisher with a website and a beard, sent me an e-mail about my manuscript. I owe him so much. Hopefully he'll send me money.
Should any of you wish to send me money, please do so. I'm meant to give my old man money for Christmas as he's fucking sick of polo shirts, and can't drink anymore. I won't give him the money, just needed to share.
The latest news is this: All the drama about Russian invaders was just a dream. Yes viewers, a dream. Today, there have been no developments anywhere in the whole world. There is no hatred or violence for one day only. Today, we shall join hands and live in harmony under the benign gaze of the Pagan gods.
We intended to cross live to our reporter at the scene, however it has been reported to us by the local authority that his decision to hide in the recycling wheely bin meant it was highly likely that he would be subject to the fortnightly collection which appears to be the case.
I have Mavis Arnold, a neighbour of the Brackenridge house, on the line now.
'Mrs Arnold, thank-you for joining us. Can you tell us what is happening now?'
Ok, we appear to have lost Mrs Arnold. We'll be back shortly after a quick break with the latest from the Russian invasion of a suburban British house.
For those who follow me on Twitter (@WearyDetective - Prizes for new followers!) you will be aware that my house has been annexed by Russia. Doris from down the road fought valiantly, however was vanquished. I remain in control of the beer fridge which was recovered in an audacious raid by Special Forces (bend and stretch)
Follow this feed for live updates from our reporter at the scene, Jez Abel, who is watching developments from behind the wheely bins.